"Emo Nemo"

There you go Sha, your favorite side of me :D

a blow to the head
sends the mind spinning
for a while it seems
the world's ending
and then it's over

a blow to the heart
gnaws relentlessly
a sinking despair
consuming, consuming
every waking moment

grant me sleep
give me rest
dash my head
upon the concrete
slabs.

-

free my heart
i can't leave
i'm stuck rooted
while i'm
mercilessly
cut.

i thought the days
of feeling this way
were long behind me
i am smiles, i am charm
i am he who can't be hurt

now we know,
i am he
who smiles
with a dagger
lodged deep
within the
heart.

Lucid Dreams

I sat down wide-eyed and clear-headed – a rarity in recent times – and fired up Visual Studio 2005 with every intention of properly starting on my project that’s due in less than a month(gasp!). Clicked “Compile” and out came 103 warnings and 9 errors. I have not written a single line of code; everything was auto-generated, so what the fuck could the problem be? Googled a little, and found that it’s SUPPOSEDLY a bug in Visual Studio.

So now I’m downloading a 430mb service pack for visual studio and well, getting back to bumming. And since I’ve nothing better to do now, I’ll write a little something about a dream I had.

-

I stumbled upon the art of teleportation. Our body exists in it's physical form only because of our soul. Thus, teleportation is achieved not by transporting the body, but the soul. Move the soul, and every atom making up the body will naturally follow.

Laying flat on my back, I simultaneously willed my body down against the bed while willing my soul to yank itself free from every cavity, every cell, every atom. I felt my soul strain upwards against its physical bonds and my mind putting up the toughest fight, clinging on to the soul for all its worth. My jaw clenched tight and my lungs burned as I stopped breathing, focusing solely on the separation of body and soul.

With a liberating jerk I felt my soul break free from the body like a too sticky plaster from skin. It hovered a couple inches above my body that's now gasping for air. The body, once empty of the soul, begins the process of dying and transformation into word food. This is the crucial moment; screw this up, and the soul will have no vessel to return to.

Hurriedly, I put together an image of the destination, putting in as many details as possible and filling the scene with deep vibrant colors. With a tremendous grunt much like how one would drive hilt-deep into a woman, I thrust my soul into the conceived image, feeling the rush as it traveled on some spiritual superhighway at speeds faster than that of light.

The soul arrived almost instantly as particles swirl around its form, taking up the shape of a man, the shape of the very entity the world knows me to be - less the clothes I was wearing. Now, that's a problem that still remains to be solved.

Hitch-A-Dryer

I went down to the laundry room to check on my clothes in the dryer and found an .. Ikea floor rug happily tumbling around with my clothes, underwear, towels and pillow case.

I'm guessing its owner found no available dryers and thought it a brilliant idea to toss it in to dry with someone's laundry. What's the harm right? It's just a rug; he can easily retrieve it when the person comes to claim his clothes, finds a rug in the machine, and tosses it aside in disgust.

Obviously, considerations such as how filthy the rug could be after being left on the floor for eons are unimportant to the happy owner of the rug.

If you're reading this, your rug's behind the dryers. No, on second thoughts, this shall be the story of how I got a new rug :)

NUS > Harvard

Harvard's alcohol policy:

Students of legal drinking age in Massachusetts who wish to serve alcohol must follow these additional rules: When alcohol is present, it must be served in an illuminated area separate from service places for nonalcoholic beverages but near enough to make the choice clear. Nonalcoholic beverages and food must always be available when alcohol is served. Alcohol may not be served or consumed in public areas of a student residence. Beer kegs are forbidden in Harvard Summer School residences. Failure to follow these rules may result in disciplinary action, including requirement to withdraw.

Letter slot under my door this morning:

Fine for consuming and using alcohol during Block Initiation

You are fined $50 for consuming alcohol and for presenting it to the freshmen as a forfeit during the Block Initiation on 13 August 2008.

As a senior in the Hall, you knew full well that consumption of alcohol within Hall premises without the permission of the Hall Master was an offence. Your thoughtless act could have had serious consequences for both you and the freshmen should any unfortunate incident have arisen from such consumption. In addition, you have not only sullied your own reputation, but also put the reputation of the Hall at risk.

It is hoped that you have learnt from this lesson and that from now on, you will display a greater respect for Hall rules and so set a better example for your peers and juniors.

Please pay the fine at the Hall office by 31 October 2008.

-

Sullied my own reputation, eh. Haha.

Gratify thyself

There was an experiment conducted several years ago that went something like this:

A group of kids were each left alone with 3 candies and told that if they were able to restrain themselves from eating the candies for 5 minutes, they would be given an additional 2. Something along those lines. The kids were then further divided into two categories; those who ate the candies as soon as they were alone, and those who waited.

The kids were then tracked for the next 15 years or so and the results showed that the kids who showed restraint grew up to be fairly successful while the kids in the other group achieved much lesser.

What does this experiment show? The wisdom of delayed gratification, I guess. Instant gratification has always been associated with immaturity and a certain childish lack of foresight.

One would think that as a person ages, maturity comes naturally and with maturity, self-control. Sometimes we see people making the same mistakes over and over again almost as if experience and age did nothing to curb their incessant need for instant gratification. Positive change begins with reflection and leads to realization. Where there's realization that some things are not going the way they should, steps can be taken to perhaps gently steer the ship back on course.

Maturity's the result of a conscious effort of taking many small steps in the right direction.

Delayed gratification flies in the face of the maxim that life's short, carpe diem, live for the day. But as Jianming the Wise once responded, "life's not that short, d00d." Haha, what's the point of all these? It means ... do your work, Shaun.

Learnt Love

People learn how to love a spouse, a friend. Through whatever means available, people learn. It might be of no conscious effort; past experiences, advice from friends, elements from the books we read, movies we watch are all mashed up in our mind and put together as the Way we love.

A happy family - I remember reading somewhere - is the best environment in which a child learns the Way to love. The unconditional love he receives, the security the family provides, give him the courage to love others with full knowledge that should his other relationships and friendships not work out, his family will be there to catch him fall.

Perhaps in the same way we learn to love a spouse and a friend, we learn to love our family. My manual on how to love my mum is sketchy at best. I know her. I know how she ticks. I know what hurts her, what would make her glad, what would bring a smile to her face, and what would drive a knife into her heart. And make no mistake, I love her dearly. It's just .. difficult.

Wealth is Freedom

From BBC:

Traffic restrictions have been re-introduced in China's capital Beijing, in an attempt to bring back the clear skies seen during the Olympics.

Each car must spend one day a week off the road, in a scheme based on registration numbers ...

-

Was talking to step-dad about it today and I was joking about how this only means that the rich have more road space. I assumed they can easily talk to a few friends in high places, and their license plate numbers will never be called.

Step-dad looked at me, and said "Nope, they have a couple of cars; if one is banned, they'll drive another."

An ex-colleague said something similar when our beloved government erected new ERP gantries.

Him: "Good! Less cars on the road, better for me to speed"
Me: "Eh, Hello. You don't need pay ERP ah."
Him: "Pay, Pay lor. How much only."

So little boys and girls, make sure you grow up to be rich k.

House Bunny, The

And so I watched the House Bunny last night, tempted by the offering of hilarity coupled with a gazillion hot girls, or so I was told. Hot legs and asses aside though, the movie was so cringe-worthily funny it had me squirming in my seat. Of course, one had to suspend one's logic for a bit to fully appreciate the plot.

Good movie, with the requisital sweet, happily ever after ending. Weeli, you should watch it with Rachel; she'll love it I'm sure.

Bimbo?

Karma Police

It did cross my mind that Karma has finally caught up and is now merrily biting me in the ass. And then it hit me; it's not Karma, but Folly that lands me in unpleasant circumstances, putting me in positions to hurt, or be hurt.

Perhaps that's the problem with cultivating a new personality and suppressing the other. The personas vie constantly for center stage and as always, Murphy's law applies; the wrong persona, at the wrong times, with the wrong people.

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Now playing: Radiohead - (06) Karma Police
via FoxyTunes

"Falling in love is easy
it's the falling out
that's hard

How do you know
when to walk away
when the heart is
yearning to stay"

Having some musical talent in my blood would be nice. I can fit the words to a tune now, I can even croak it out softly. But I'm going to shower and sleep now, and when I wake the morrow, the tune will surely be lost.

And so ..

And so I found myself in church today after a fitful three hour sleep on the couch at home. I was feeling good though, sitting between my uncle and youngest cousin waiting for service to begin. We're usually late, making it just in time for the last couple of songs, but thanks to the KPE, we were early, and I was just sitting there with my legs outstretched, relaxed, smiling at people I know and feeling strangely, light of heart.

Then I flipped open the bulletin and muttered "fuck". Our pastor was due to deliver the sermon for the service, and in all honesty I don't think much of him. Of course, pastors are servants of God anointed to lead the church both spiritually and physically. Or at least that's the generally accepted consensus.

Not in my church though; the previous senior pastor was for most intentions and purposes, sacked. I loved him; his heart was so obviously for the Lord that it's difficult to even think otherwise. Let's not talk about that though. And suffice to say that it's my humble opinion that the current pastor's a doofus; ambitious, conceited, presumptuous and with half the required intellect to back all of that up. Oh, and he's condescending too.

Worship was good. It warmed my heart to see my uncle raise in hands in praise to God, though Erasmus was passive as usual. Communion was a pleasant surprise; I can't remember the last time I partook of it.

And now, the sermon. If memory serves me well, the title of the sermon on the bulletin was "Life in the Spirit" but the message was more about fellowship with fellow Christians, and how to go about achieving it. The chosen scripture was Philippians 2:1-11

I started out with the intention of critiquing his sermon, with which I disagree on several points, but that would go against the very message the passage's trying to convey. So I shalln't. I shall instead, humbly refrain. Yes I'm capable, occasionally, of that.

1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had:

6 Who, being in very nature ^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature ^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a human being,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Shit. Now I've a headache. Thinking about God gives me a headache.

28th September

I've been having this nagging feeling the entire day that 28th September is a date of some significance. I can't for the life of me remember what though. Facebook's of no help. Any of my close friends' birthday that I've unfortunately forgotten?

A million other things

And yes, I'm blogging once again when I should be doing a million other things. Sounds familiar? I remember a post similar to this sometime last year. Things are dire now though; I'm working, or rather, supposed to be working, on an asp.net project. Problem? I've no experience with the .NET framework, and self-learning's a bitch to me.

Maybe I'm not cut out for the IT field. And I've a business law essay to write, of which, of course, I've not started. Perhaps I'm not cut out for that.

What then, did Almighty God imbue me with, if neither math, nor programming, nor writing can I count as my forte.

I'm been trying to read a little of Friedrich Nietzsche's work. "Antichrist", despite it's intriguing sounding title, I find almost unreadable. He comes across more like a whiny, sarcastic teenager than a true adversary of God. His other musings about morality, honesty, and various other subjects interest me though. So if my later posts start reflecting similar views, you know who to blame.

Is honesty, truly the best policy? House said in one particular episode that there's a reason why everybody lies; it works, it's what makes society tick, and what separates Man, from Beast. Lying though, requires the invention of twenty other lies to cover any one. I read that in Nietzsche, but I've no idea if it originated from him.

How then, shall we live? In partial truths, one finds many friends. Does even the almighty reveal the full story? Did God incarnate speak plainly? Of course it's to protect our finite minds that certain truths are withheld. It follows then that it's to protect the gentler nature of the interlocutor that we dish out half-truths.

Wrapped, I know. But it makes for good reading, doesn't it? And that's why, my friend, you return again and again to read my writing. Do I believe in everything that I write? Maybe partially. There you go, another half-truth for ya.

Kite

There's something about cutting loose
the string of a kite
that invokes in people a sense of freedom;
of being untethered from restraints

to be allowed to soar
as high as one wants
carried by the breeze
soaring above the clouds

There's something about being carried by the breeze though, that people conveniently forget. There's no way to steer, and a kite cut loose is essentially at the mercy of the breeze. The perceived freedom is in fact an utter lack of control.

Yes of course there's undeniable exhilaration; dancing along with the breeze. The trouble starts when the air stills, and the kite comes crashing back towards the earth, far from where it previously was.

Hang on then, my friend, to the strings of your heart, remain in control and be ready to yank it sharply back. And as always, I should be talking to the man in the mirror; the one with the tiny, nondescript silver stud in his left ear.

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Now playing: u2 - kite
via FoxyTunes

Carpe Diem 2

In the Aeroplane over the Sea

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees  

Now how I remember you 
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name 
(Shaun: wtf?!)

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

Carpe Diem

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,
Drink wine with a robust heart.
Oh yes—God takes pleasure in your pleasure!
Dress festively every morning.
Don't skimp on colors and scarves.
Relish life with the spouse you love
Each and every day of your precarious life.
Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange
For the hard work of staying alive.
Make the most of each one!
Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!
This is your last and only chance at it,
For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think
In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.

And the above was from Ecclesiastes 9:7-10, The Message bible's translation. Of course the other translations are a lot more sober.

No mention of Heaven, no mention of the afterlife. In fact:

4But he who is joined with all the living has hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion.
5For the living know that they will die, but^(H) the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for^(I) the memory of them is forgotten.
6Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished, and forever they have no more share in all that is done under the sun.

So, friends, Eat! Drink! Be Merry. For come the morrow, we may die.


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Now playing: Moby - Why does my heart feel so bad?
via FoxyTunes

White as Snow

Snow falls swiftly in a storm, quickly blotting out the sins of the land. All is engulfed; litter, goose poo, mud and gunk, tarmac and concrete. What was once filthy and dull becomes hidden under a blanket of soft, white, snow.

As long as the storm rages, the rest of nature waits. And if we so choose to look, we'll marvel at the beauty of the land.

All good things, however, must come to an end. Soon the storm runs its course, and for a precious few moments, the land remains beautiful. And of course, life resumes.

A funny thing happens now though; the snow that so effectively hid ugliness from our eyes now serves only to highlight it. A pile of goose poo stands out in stark contrast against the white snow, and snow on the tarmac melts into a dirty brown slush.


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Now playing: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters
via FoxyTunes

Bah

And so I picked up my bible, flipped around, read a bit of how Babylon was going to get its ass kicked in Jeremiah, then flipped to Matthew and read a little before coming across this verse:

So Jesus said to them, "Assured I say to you, that in the regeneration, when the Son of Man sits on the throne of His glory, you who have followed Me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel."

Ok obviously Judas was going to betray him, so what? One tribe's going to live merrily unjudged?

I googled, and here are two responses, one christian, one skeptic

The skeptic response screwed my head a little. May it screw yours too, amen.

And yes, there exists not, among mortals, unconditional love.

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Now playing: Passion05 - How Great Is Our God
via FoxyTunes