Allow me to be .. who I want to be ..

A garden of conflicting emotions. Fairly huge, with lush green grass and clusters of wild flowers scattered around. A hedge surrounds the garden, keeping me locked within, walking around in circles, stopping ocassionally, pausing for a moment, then moving on again.

In the center of the garden was where I spent a lot of time, and where strangely, I felt the most at home. There lies the bottomless pit, where all my sorrows reside. The edges of the pit are jaggered and surrounded by a rough circle of barren rock; the grass that covers the rest of the garden ending a few feet around it.

I sit on the ledge, feet dangling in the pit, feeling the dank air caressing my bare legs, comforting me, coaxing me deeper. There is a certain comfort in depression - indulging in it has the effect of stopping time, when the world goes on without me and I'm trapped in the bubble of melancholy.

There were times when I walked, or even skipped away from the pit of sorrows, naively thinking that I would never return to it ever again - I found love, and love would be all I need. I wrote once about kicking a stone down, looking down into the yawning void as the stone falls slowly out of sight, making not a sound. Bottomless is the pit, where all my sorrows reside. I smiled. Grined. Walked away. What did it matter? I found love. And love was all I needed.

Stepping once again onto grass, feeling the softness under my feet, holding in my hand the hand of one I loved. Perhaps it was merely infatuation, but in the garden of conflicting emotions, the distinction between the two does not exist. We walked hand in hand, our laughter harmonizing with the singing of the birds, filling the air with music so beautiful I left my sorrows behind - forgotten. No longer was I alone. I found love. And love was all I needed.

As the lyrics of a song goes, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade. I found myself once again staring into the total darkness, where all my sorrows reside. This time the darkness seemed a little darker, the hollow of the pit mirroring the emptiness in my heart. I guess I fell. The shadows enveloping me as I fell, crushing me, breaking me. I saw tentacles coiled around my neck, visible now as I fell. I realised that although I walked away from the pit, these tentacles kept their hold on me. Past hurts and mistakes refusing to let go, waiting for the opportunity to bring me down, and drag me back to them. I got to break free, I fought, I hoped, I prayed, and most of all I yearned for the love that was lost. Love that was young, love that was pure.

I found love, but it was in another. One that loved me, as much as I loved her. I crawled out of the pit, surprised at how quickly I let go of the past hurt, and the warmth that was quickly filling my heart. She was different. She was special. And she, I loved. When I was with her, everything was made beautiful. I was filled with inexplicable joy, and in my joy I failed to feel the chilling touch of a tentacle silently wrapping around an ankle, waiting once again, to bring me down.

This time I walked further. The garden of confliciting emotions expanding before my eyes. The ocean came in view, stars, clouds, sunrises, sunsets, mountains, valleys, pastures and crystal-clear lakes. Inexplicable - the joy I experienced. There were ups, there were downs. But I was happy. I found love, and love was all I needed.

One by one, the stars grew dim. Slowly, her love grew cold. This time I was older. This time I was stronger. This time, perhaps, I was wiser. I walked over to the cursed pit, kneeled by the edge and cried.

Time passed, and still I stayed. And then, it struck me. This pit is not my home. This is not where I belong. This, is where I have to leave. I climbed to my feet and brushed off the dirt, wet my lips and dried my tears. I see a light, and it is beyond the hedge. I have to leave, I have to go. The garden has been nice, but there is a world I have to see, a love I have to find.

I will find love, and love is all I need.

[Naive. Perhaps. Simplistic. Perhaps. I realise there's a lot more to life than this. But this was about emotions, nothing more.]