The Birthday Entry

I recently passed the quarter mark in life; assuming I live to be a hundred, which incidentally, I've no desire to do. Alright, maybe a better way of putting it would be - it has recently come to my attention that I've lived a quarter of a century, a suitable point to look behind my shoulder and admire the messy trail left in my wake.

I paused a second to light a Parliament and collect my thoughts. Great brand of smokes, by the way, pity they don't carry them in Singapore. Yes, let's start there. I had my first smoke with people I regarded, and still do regard, as my closest friends. They've been my anchor and my toe-hold on sanity as I made my way through life. There for me when at 15 I called one up on the phone in the middle of the night in tears, heart-broken upon hearing that the only girl I thought I could ever love got together with another boy. There for me some years later when the people around me thought of me as little more than a superficial asshole.

It's fortunate for me, that they're not alone. I've friends whom I treasure, whom I pray hold me as dear as I hold them. Without them I would be lost, and though right now I'm physically over 8000 miles away from them, I'm thankful that I can call them friends.

Another break, while I walk back into the apartment to grab a Kirin and light another Parli. Beer and cigarettes. I get the impression that people generally regard me as frivolous and undependable; the go-to guy when one's looking for shits and giggles for sure, but not someone one can trust. I used to pride myself, in my younger days, on having what I thought was emotional maturity for my age, and on being a good listener. Today, I'm not so sure.

A healthy dose of cynicism is now replaced by an almost utter lack of faith, in love, and in God. I used to believe unwaveringly in God, now I turn to Him only in dire straits - like when I'm caught in 1 inch/min traffic with a terribly upset stomach. I used to love, and love unreservedly. That mutated into the mantra "love, but express that love sparingly". Now the very notion of romantic love turns my stomach and empties the mind. I see success stories around me of course, and I don't discount them. I just don't see it happening to me.

It might sound a tad melodramatic to say something like that, but I guess it's a series of poorly made decisions and episodes of barking up the wrong trees that got me where I am now. I started down the slippery slope after the girlfriend who cheated on me and, I assert, made me lose my marbles. Efforts at regaining a foothold have been complete failures, accelerating my descent each time it happens. I still cling on to a silver of hope, that I'll be able to approach whatever comes next with a little more De Profundis and a lot less Picture of Dorian Gray. We shall see how that works out.

I've stumbled through life shackled to both sloth and nonchalance. I found within myself not a lack of ambition but the distinct abhorrence towards the work involved to get there. I've made rash and misguided trades in both the equities and currency exchange market and lost what to me is a princely sum. Together with friends, I've built elaborate castles in the air but failed to materialize any of them into concrete business ventures.

Through sheer luck, divine blessings and short, inconsistent spurts of diligence, I find myself now an undergraduate in NUS having gone through an exchange program in Canada and now participating in one of the more prestigious programs the university offers - a year long internship in Silicon Valley. What I do from here is almost entirely in my hands; whether I skirt-chase, booze, blaze and bum my way through the year or turn my life into something I can be proud of.

This seems like a pretty good note to end this post on. I've work tomorrow, and if I'm going to make something of it, I need to bring my A game. There are many things in my life I need to work on, and not skiving at work's a good start.

Peace.