Change.

I've learnt something new in the past 10 mins. It's different trying to get over someone when you're alternating between two environments.

The past 3 days were spent in camp. The first day I was miserable, then each time I wake up .. I feel slightly better. By the time it's time for me to sleep, my heart's aching and I look forward to the slumber. I fall into bed and turn my mind off things that hurt, and I sleep.

And, today I came home. It started from when I alighted from the bus and walked home. I remember waiting for the bus to go to her place. I remember walking the same route, and the things that were on my mind. I shut out the memories, and I walked, singing softly to myself. Then I came home. I unlocked the door, stood in the doorway and removed my shoes, holding on to the door for support. I winched. More memories.

I smiled at my aunt and came to my room. Shit. I'm going to break. I see the walls, I see my bookshelf .. I look at the mess. Again I remember.

Now I've 2 days, to get used to this, before I return to camp. Hopefully it's a one time thing for each environment. Going back to camp will be painless, and so will returning. I would be numb.

Weeli just told me something, reminded me of something he told me after my break up with Charis. And now he's telling me again. Don't I ever learn.

DoubleFin says:
do you remember what i told you when you broke up with charis?
DoubleFin says:
i told you to build your character of yours right?.... to find something that defines you and only you uniquly

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yeah..
shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yes..i dont have it.

DoubleFin says:
told you to spend some time just with yourself

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
everything's attached to the girl
shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
there isn't anything unique i can hold on to after she's gone

DoubleFin says:
you have to do it ... and take this chance to do it...
DoubleFin says:
let her go... dun let it get such a grip over your life

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yah...

Ouch. This is happening in real time.

DoubleFin says:
frankly i will tell you this ... coz i still care for you as a friend
DoubleFin says:
i dun noe about the others.... how they feel
DoubleFin says:
but to me personally the only time you actually come to me is when you are down and out

He's right. I remember the times I made plans to go climbing with him, only to cancel them last minute. I've been an ass. When I'm down and out, when I'm alone, I've no one but my friends. These are friends I treasure. These are friends I cherish. Weeli has been with me, supporting me, catching me when I fall. He might be brutally honest, but he's my friend. I'm sorry bro.

This is a time of change. I'll get through this, for now ..

Let me enter into slumber,
allow me my rest
from thoughts that torment
my every waking moment

Character. Confidence. True Love(true love..i finally found what's true love). Loyalty.

God help me.

Experiences in life are suppose to shape us, make us who we are. I don't know who I am. My nature changes, my behaviour changes, my thoughts change, like a sapling swaying in the wind. Hopefully I'm just growing up, albeit at a slower rate than my friends. I look at them, and they know what they want. Heck, I don't know what I want. I live for the moment. Minimum effort, maximum results. Heh.

This is worrying. This is far more important than me wallowing in self-pity and regret over a lost love.

What do I stand for. What do I believe in. Who am I. What do I want out of this life.