So, here we are again

Here I am again, typing on my blog after a nice warm bath. Nothing like a good clean scrub and a hot shower to ease any weariness that built up in the day, or days past =)

I've been exercising regularly for a month? Feels like a long time, and I'm not seeing much results. Could be due to the way I exercise, not intense enough? Not enough climbing ;)? Or maybe there's something wrong with my diet. I refuse to take any protein shakes though, only the occasional recovery drink when I do push myself hard enough, which is at least a week back. I guess I'm just not mentally strong enough to push my body beyond its limits.

I remember thinking to myself one day as I was walking home some time back. "Let your body keep up with your mind, and your mind with your dreams". Pretty self-explanatory yeah? But I think I've been letting my body dictate when to give up. Like when I feel pain, I stop. When I feel tired, I stop.

I've been trying to strengthen my mind. Like how example, when I tell myself I'll go for 5 laps(ok ok i know 5 laps is pathetic.), I'll make sure I complete them, no matter how tired I get in the first lap. And after I do the 5, I'll go for another lap. Pushing my mind, proving to myself that I can do it, that I'm capable of more my body gives me credit for. Anyway I think I can do a lot more than a pathetic 6 laps at a stretch la .. I'll do more the next time I swim.

Climbing would be the best way to build mental strength. I must climb more .. really, really. And I'm going blading tomorrow, gotta push .. resist the urge to glide .. keep striding .. and of course try not to fall.

I've so much growing to do. And I need to exercise my mind .. knowledge-wise. I'm 21. What have I accomplished? Going after girls is fun .. but surely there's more to life than that :D

Out with Daryl and Qingwei now!

Retail therapy?

I did me a little shopping last night =)

A red abercrombie tee, a grey ralphjeans tee, and a yellow 37degrees(I know the brand sucks, it was on sale) shirt. $19 a piece for the first 2, and $9.90 for the last. Any semblance of guilt is immediately erased when I think of Shalene and her $2k+ shopping *grin*

Alright, it's booking in time again, weekend in camp!

Fortress of Cards

times like this, when the rug's pulled from underneath your feet
when the fortress of solitude you so painstakingly built
is revealed to be nothing but a house of cards,
that threatens to fall apart everytime someone sneezes

times like this, when someone actually sneezes
and the whole house of cards wobbles,
one can only be thankful
that at least the damn thing's still standing

whew.

and so the corner stone is laid,
let the real building begin. =D

File hosting

Hey, this service's pretty cool, unfortunately they don't allow direct linking.

Anyway, check out "Fight Test" from Smallville Season 3 OST

I-can't-spell

&; char says:
TAKE THAT, MR MAINSTREM
&; char says:
MAINSTREAM
&; char says:
pooo
&; char says:
shit, i'm getting the i-can't-spell-syndrome from you. EEEEEEEEEEEKS
shaun : billy bombers poster boy says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Emptiness?

Last night's clubbing was horrible. I hate retro, hate the lamers(no offense if you're one of them ah) who memorise the damn "dance steps" and execute them like they're the coolest stuff of earth. My goodness. I felt that the music was undancable to. And it was so damn crowded, one could hardly move. The drinks were watered down as usual. The whole scene just didn't appeal to me .. turn off man. Enough about it. Phuture wasn't any better.

Dinner was great though =). Obviously I had my ALL STAR burger but I think the taste is so rich that you really have to leave a longer interval before each conquest .. otherwise it gets a little jelat.
My friends didn't try the burger though, no matter how much I insisted that it'll hurt the burger's feelings.

Saddness.

I pen this post with a heavy heart, after unsuccessfully trying to get some of my friends to go for a Billy Bombers "All Star" burger dinner later. Sigh. And I had this sudden craving for it too. All claimed they were too broke.

NEWS FLASH. I convinced them! Whooooo hoo. Okay so I'm gonna get my ALL STAR after all. Life's good =D

Going to zouk after that with my camp friends =D

Swing Swing

Noooooo I don'tttt wannaaaaaa gooooooooooo ....

Sigh I'll end up taking a taxi again. I just can't bring myself to get up from in front of my laptop.

Undisputed king of procrastination. Computer Addict. Army Adverse. I have a serious problem with authority, especially stupid ones, and that should be excuse enough to get out of army. Weeli says it's a matter of time before I get charged. Haha.

Take care world .. hang in there while I'm gone. I'll be back soon =D how ego is that?! Haha.

If moon was cookie ..

I took a one-night only job at the American Club on Saturday, working for Jeryd's dad who was the event planner for an american charity function. Apparently, the americans have a different style of raising funds. Where do people lose the most money? Casinos! Ok or at least that's one of the contenders for top spot. So, they had a charity dinner cum casino, where people gambled with cash chips, but will be unable to cash their winnings, instead having to spend them on an auction at the end of the day. Not too bad an idea eh?

Anyway, I was a dealer at a Blackjack table, and I must say it was one of the most stressful nights of my life. Those who know me will know how horrible mental calculation is. For someone like me to deal blackjack for 3 hours + to a table that was constantly full of rowdy Americans. It was almost purgatory, a place to punish me for neglecting my maths in school ..

But well, it was $70 for roughly 3 hours plus work .. although it was intensive and stressful, I did have some fun, and most of the americans were pretty friendly. Halfway through the night, one of the regulars asked for my name, and from then on it became, "Come on Shaun, give us some good cards! Everybody wants to be your friend, Shaun!" Unfortunately, for them, I kept winning. Haha, I took little pleasure in that except that I didn't have to compute their total card values whenever I get "BlackJack"; I just sweep the table clean of chips. =D

Oh and yesterday I bought a baby blue t shirt from cineleisure. It features Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, and the words "Fuck You!" printed on it. Why did I buy it? Cause of Calvin I guess .. thought it was rather cool. Project Shop Blood Brothers is having a crazy sale. I bought a pair of pants for $15!

Sigh .. booking in is always a sad affair. And I'm gonna do that now ..

Billy Bombers "All Star" Burger

Melt my heart .. buy me a Billy Bombers "All Star" Burger.

Mouth watering goodness .. mmmmmmmmmmmm ... sigh.

Photo and Review of the heavenly burger

"..Now this is perfection. One bite of this is pure ecstasy. All at once, your mouth is filled with the plentiful juices of the beef patty, vegetables and yolks. Your taste buds immediately come alive at the myriad of contrasting yet complementary flavours from the different meats and cheese, as well as the tingling sensations of the spicy jalapenos. Every bite invokes a party in the mouth. After devouring the burger, one is left wanting more despite being physically satiated.

Now…THAT is what I call a Burger..."

-NsX- DoubleFin, -NsX- Kheldar, -NsX- Darkness, -NsX- Stalker 

Chrome bags! Weeli and I. Totally unplanned =) 

Whooooooooooshh. Whoah.

Hmmmmmmmmm .. where shall I begin? Let's start with the ultra-delicious, mouth watering, bring-a-smile-to-your-face, humongous "All-Star" burger from Billy Bombers. Oh my God .. eating it caused a warm tingling feeling to radiate from my stomach all the way to my fingers and toes, a simpering smile, and an urge to just close my eyes and lose myself in the heavenly taste.

The "All-Star" burger from Billy Bombers. Everything you want in a burger. $15 before tax. Two thick slices of buns, buttered and lightly toasted. An egg so perfect, the yolk is runny yet intact, the white a little like that of soft-boiled egg, while the edge achieves that crispness that holds everything together. Oh God. And that's only the top. Strips of bacon so fragant you'll think that they're the sole representation of pork in this awesome burger. But you're wrong. Underneath the bacon, absorbing the excess oil, are slices of ham that are, grilled lightly, bringing out the flavour.

The beef .. oh my .. it deserves a whole paragraph devoted to it. Thick .. juicy .. and done medium rare that way it's meant to be done. Soft, tender, red, with a just a hint of blood. Remember, this is hamburger(beefburger :P) meat, not prime cut steak. Yet the taste, and texture as it dissolves in your mouth .. the juice that flood your senses with each bite. Nothing short of heavenly.

And the taste of all the above combined ........ made for an extraordinary dining experience.

Now I'm hungry.

All right, with great effort, your faithful blogger takes his attention away from the awesome dinner, and brings you to Holland Village, at Tangos, where together with 4 friends - ok 3, cause Dekang drove, so didn't drink - enjoyed great Lime Margaritas while enviously looking over at Eskibar across the road. Not to do the margarita injustice, cause it was really good, but the novelty of Eskibar beckoned silently as we sipped our drinks and talked about, what else, IT. Haha. Er IT, as in, Information Technology k.

Margaritas gone. We got up .. and .. walked straight into Eskibar. Haha. We were the only jokers without winter wear of any kind, maybe with the exception of Jianming who had a light jacket. Dekang was in working wear. Weeli in a polo shirt, and Daryl and I in t-shirts. Eskibar rocks my socks, or at least caused it to tremble along with my ankles, from the cold. Haha. Nice place, cute waitresses, good music. Daryl downed a submarine, complained of gulping extremely cold air along with the drink. Jianming knocked back a grey-goose shooter and was full of praises for it. Weeli and Jianming then got a grey-goose martini each, and that rocked. Me, I was stupid enough to go for one of their speciality drinks. "Sleeping Polar Bear". Ok. The rational is that, if it's their speciality, it has to be good right? And to be strong enough to knock a Polar Bear out. It must be strong, right? NO. WRONG. It was a kiddie drink that tasted like a mocktail. Sigh.

Next, Club MoMo. The music got to Weeli, and his legs started aching for the dance floor. Unfortunately there wasn't one in Eskibar .. so .. surprisingly, we managed to convince Jianming and Daryl to come along for the ride .. and we went to MOMO!

Problem. We were stone-cold sober by the time we got to Momo, and poor me didn't even drink much to begin with. Sleeping Polar Bear. Wtf. As starters, we dried a glass of bear each, and headed to the dance floor. Boring. All guys! And we weren't high enough to dance, with the exception of Weeli who was happily grooving away like a pro. Haha. Daryl and Jianming stood to the side, against the railing. Me, tried to move a little with the music, but it just didn't feel right.

Furstrated, we headed to the bar where we had 2 Flaming Lamborghinis. Jm/weeli to one, Daryl/me to one. $25 a pop. And .. what the hell man .. no effect whatsoever!! Jianming kept saying, wait, wait, the effect will come in half an hour. Yeah right. Haha. Anyway the drinks were on him .. so .. ah .. THANKS BRO! Hm the cover charge was on him too. DOUBLE THANKS BRO! =) whatever would be do without you man, stay sober the entire night? =)

Ok, so after another unsuccessful venture into the dance floor, Daryl and I headed back to the bar to down a couple more drinks.

Sigh actually I'm tiring of this post. Haha, basically we had great fun after a police raid that lasted an hour. The music after that really rocked, and by then we had enough drinks to start grooving like pros. Jianming obviously had fun, and even Daryl loosened up enough to dance. =)
Oh the girls weren't pretty, and we didn't really bother about them. I guess I was wrong about clubbing. I thought guys went there only to get close to girls. Guys can have fun just drinking and dancing themselves too. And from what I observed, most guys were actually pretty gentlemanly, with the exception of a few clowns of course. But I think the girls should be able to spot those weirdos from a distance and make their escape early.

Dancing was great. Drinking was great. The All-star burger was great. The company was awesome. Thanks guys. I had a wonderful time thanks to all of you!

Glued.

Help my butt's glued to my chair! I was supposed to have bathed 8 mins ago, but I just can't get off the chair! Woke up at 6am, sat in front of my laptop, and haven't moved since.

So what have I been doing the past 30 mins? Surfing around aimlessly. I checked friendster. Check my friends blogs. Missed Shalene online by tens of seconds. Like, "hello!!", then "...may not reply cause .. appears to be offline..". And I actually surfed for astrology too. Goodness.

Ok now it's getting pretty bad, 6:40am. I'll have to take a taxi to camp. My eyes feel a little hot, my muscles ache, and my joints creak a little more than usual. I can actually be a one man band of creaking joints. Creak creak, creak-creak, creak, creak creak creak.

Signing out before I turn any lamer =D

Oh ya, and Jun finally deemed me sane enough to talk to. Haha .. welcome back girl.

LeAnn Rimes has a cool new album.

I'm in danger of being late!! Byebyebyebybeyebye

Music

I hate to say this but Depeche mode's latest album gives me an headache. It's really, really awful, in my humble(ok not so humble) opinion. My Goodness..with the exception of "Precious", every single track so far just stinks!

And Wallflowers' latest album is nothing to shout about either. Sigh, maybe God blesses them with a few great tracks .. and the leave the rest to their own devices, which doesn't turn out as good. But Wallflowers is still definately better than depeche mode.

Forearms on strike, screaming abs

As we follow the chronicles of Shaun the imitation climber, we come to the realisation that he is not ready to climb 2 days consecutively, as is evident from his fast-pumped forearms, significant reduction in grip strength, and general drop in endurance. Not even energy drinks can work the miracle needed for this poor soul to perform.

Sigh. Anyway, I managed to climb a little, and do 3/4 of Fin Fin's Training Regime(FFTR) before I had to rush home to bathe, and go meet Jianming, like er, now. Haha. FFTR is bears sole responsibility for my screaming abs. But I love it. Haha.

By the way, "Fin Fin" is one of the many names Weeli go by.

Ok off I go now, freshly showered and scrubbed, back into the heavy downpour. Kinda illogical ah. At least I have an .. er .. deep purple umbrella to keep me mostly dry.

All I get in my mailbox are bank statements, bills, and magazines .. someone write me a letter? Haha.

Aching

My fingers are itching to climb. My muscles scoff at their tiredness. I can't wait to feel the sweat dripping from every pore, to wipe the sweat out of my eyes, to climb, to climb, to climb.

Where on earth is Feng jie.

Yesterday's climbing session was good. I still suck, but I'm training, and I'll get better.

Paint my world

paint my world, with a million different colors

black, for my dark and uncaring self
grey, for the cynically sarcastic me
red, for the times i try to love
pink, for the times i cry

orange, when i laugh out loud
green, when i'm never satisfied
gold, when i smile brilliantly
brown, when i curse and swear

in my world, a flurry of colors
i struggle to find myself

Semi-charmed life.

Gym. Swim. 2 evian bottles. Climb. Train.

What a day. =D

Tomorrow. Climb. Shop.

Climb .. Climb .. Climb!

Imitation Climber

Shaun - Imitation Climber.

Climbing was horrible, I tire so easily, my techniques are a mess, and I'm not that strong to begin with.

Solution? Climb more! Climb harder! Monday.. I'll see the walls again Monday.

I'm exhausted. I need to improve my finger strength. Grip strength. Bigger forearms, stronger tendons, rougher palms.

Listening to Third Eye Blind's Out of the Vein, 2003 album. Doesn't sound that good .. hrms, maybe gotta give it some time. Ah ok this track sounds better =)

Liv taylor, dark art =D 

Liv taylor =) 

Third Eye Blind Lyrics - Deep Inside of You

Third Eye Blind Lyrics - Deep Inside of You Lyrics. Me Myself & Irene Soundtrack Lyrics (Movie)

Third Eye Blind. I love the band. Their albums are pretty hard to get online though, maybe they're not as popular as they should be. Last album released, not considering their 2004 compilation album, was in 2003!

Yeah, I suppose they're touring now =)

I love my life. I'm swimming, running, climbing lousily, and enjoying them. I hate the army, and it sucks that it consumes half my time, but apart from that, life's pretty good.

I actually had fun running yesterday. Short run, only 2km+, but for me to actually start running is already something to be proud of, no? Now I just have to maintain this. Can't wait to get back to Sentosa for another round of beach rugby =) Gotta improve my stamina, and eat less sand!

Working out gets one's mind off whatever's troubling it. And the heartaches and mental torment seem so far away when you're sweating and struggling just to breathe(ok so im not vv fit. haha), to push for a stronger stroke, a bigger stride. I love that feeling.

Climbing later at 3. God please give me the stamina to endure and have fun =)

Oh, and on the army side, I finally got my second promotion! To the measly rank of Corporal, but well, I welcome the pay raise =D

Sigh regardless of how fantastic I paint my life to be, some realities set in. I need to get my rank sewed on. The shop's in Tampines. I need to cut my hair. The saloon is at Bugis. Do I go alone? Kinda lonely doing so.

I'm feeling restless, feel like running. :D sick! But I'm still far behind Weeli. That crazy nutcase goes for runs not going below 15km. What the hell .. how does a person run for so long? Wouldn't the boredom along kill him? Huh Weeli, Huh. How the fuck you run so fast and so far. See you at bugis, you punk.

Rolling Stones - Streets of Love

It's funny how I listened to this song a couple dozen times and never paid attention to the lyrics. Was looking for Depeche Mode's "Precious"(in the smallville season 5 ost) and something told me to check out the lyrics for "Streets of Love"

Here it is:

STREETS OF LOVE
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

You're awful bright, you're awful smart
I must admit you broke my heart
The awful truth is really sad
I must admit I was awful bad

While lovers laugh and music plays
I stumble by and I hide my pain
The lights are lit, the moon is gone
I think I've crossed the Rubicon

I walk the streets of love and they're full of tears
And I walk the streets of love and they're full of fears

While music pumps from passing cars
A couple watch me from a bar
A band just played the wedding march
And the corner store mends broken hearts
And a woman asks me for a dance
Oh it's free of charge, just one more chance

I walk the streets of love and they're full of tears
Walk the streets of love for a thousand years

Oh tell me now
I... Oh I walk the streets of love, yeah and they're drenched with tears... Oh

You had the moves, you had the cards
I must admit you were awful smart
The awful truth is awful sad
I must admit I was awful bad

And I walk the streets of love and they're drenched with tears
And I walk the streets of love for a thousand years... Oh

Walk the streets of love and they're drenched with tears
Oh every night, oh there's only one and not enough for him
Oh I, yeah and they're full of tears
Oh everybody talk about it
Everybody be walking down it
Yeah but I found out.... oh yes that I...

Oh yes I do
Oh the streets of love, yeah, they're drenched with, drenched with in tears...
I... oh yeah I don't want to...

-

OH. And they FINALLY recalled me. M hours 0600. That means I have to be in camp by 0800, which basically is the time I normally reach camp. HAHA. What a joke. Nvm, I had fun. Woke up feeling low, and now I'm on a high.

Beautifully taken. Alexendar Luthor 

Butterised. =D Haha..not my word, but Daryl's. 

"Butterised"

Smallville!! Argh .. sad .. sad .. saddness. Daryl was right, episode 2 leaves one "butterised".

------SOME SPOILERS BELOW-------------




I love the scene between Lex and Clark, when Lex punches Clark and sees blood. The look of total mystification and Clark's stupid smug look, like "hey look, i've been telling you the truth. you're the bastard for not trusting me", BUT the fact was that clark had been lying to lex for 4 seasons, even when Lex demostrated that he could be trusted.

The past four seasons have seen Lex turn further and further away from light and towards the dark side. He was sincerely trying to be good, through the best way he knew how. He was sincere, and he was battling his evil father, who showed him everything but love; or perhaps to Lionel "love" meant ensuring his son was strong enough for the "world". A heart breaking story arc last season saw Lionel Luthor turn over a new leaf, and he tried to love Lex the way Lex wanted to be love his whole _life_. Too late. And who can blame Lex? Sigh. Anyway Lex "woke" Lionel up, and turned him back towards the path of evil.

Lionel and Clark were both at fault at how Lex turned out. But the thing about Smallville is that, the ending will SURELY be sad. There's no other alternative! There's this ultimatum .. and that's Clark and Lana end up apart(sigh, and they got so close in this episode. things are finally working out between them. now we're waiting for them to break up), and Lex turn totally evil, the friendship between Clark and Lex gone.

Sigh, I love the show. I love their acting. Er, maybe not Tom Welling's, who's good, but not as good as the brilliant Michael Rosenbaum. Kristin Kreuk melts my heart, and not just cause she's gorgeous =D

Can't wait for episode 3. Oh and episode 2 ended well .. 4 seasons of love led up to one night of .. well, watch to find out. I just realised I let leak a few spoilers. Better put a disclaimer at the top of this post .. before I get slaughtered.

No recall!! Haha I pity my friends who booked in last night. Er, or maybe my sergeant just forgot to call me. And that would be HIS fault right ..

Listening to Third Eye Blind and dangling 1 leg over the arm of my chair. 5:47am.

Ah Smallville!! Somebody saveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee me ... I don't care how you do it ... Just save meeeee =) (er..this is remy zero, not 3rd eye blind)

Misinformation.

This is getting silly. 4:38am and still no recall! And the Bleach anime I downloaded seems to have a little problem with the audio timing, furstrating to watch.

Shit, if it gets later than this, the roads are going to be too crowded to blade on.

Ah well. Smallville episode 2 will be done in .. 4 mins.

At least I'm home ..

Awake.

I sit awake, with a sticky, dry taste in my mouth, as I wait for the phone to ring. It should be ringing, in approximately 4 mins, a sergeant calling me to return to camp, to be there in 2 hours. A recall. Usually such things are supposed to catch you by surprise, but in our beloved armed forces, or at least in my squardon, information has a habit of leaking out. Everybody knew the call would come at 4am, in fact we were encouraged to book in last night so that we would not have to take a cab down when the recall came.

As should be apparent, I ignored that particular piece of advice, just like how I ignore a million others. Now I sit, having taken a 3 hour nap, contemplating whether I should go ahead with my plan to blade to camp. It sounded really fun, but now that I'm sitting awake at 4am in the morning, that plan does seem a lot less attractive. I'll sweat, and would have to bathe again when I get to camp. I would be tired. My legs are aching, still bruised from my little foray into beach rugby.

The phone's not ringing.

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door .. yeah .. yeahh.

Each breath hurts, a dull ache in the middle of my chest.

Yeah, I'm happy too.

I'll sweat it out. I'll blade to camp.

Sleep.

I think I've been deprieving my body of sleep so often that it has forgotton how to sleep. I just tried napping, and I realise more than an hour as passed before I decided to give up and get out of bed.

This was what happened, described as best as I could.

I feel a consciousness going to sleep .. one part of me remained awake .. and I feel myself dreaming. I know exactly what I was dreaming about and what I wanted to dream about. Gently I nudged my dreams .. but at every turn, every avenue I tried, it was blocked. It was furstrating - for an hour I kept trying, and I got uncomfortable. I was aware of the blanket over my body, the pillow case against my cheek, and the puddle of drool forming on it. When I opened my eyes, I stared at something, but drifted off, seemingly still staring at the wall, but mind already dreaming. About the same things. I was just waiting to fall asleep .. waiting .. and dreaming.

Sleep deprievation. Maybe that's what happens when you sleep 6 hours in 2 days, have training in camp, club, drink alcohol, play rugby, and wrestle in the sand, go to church, sit through a sermon, go out for lunch, shop, and play computer games.

Lucid dreaming? The term comes to mind .. but I don't really know the defination. I feel .. a little rested, yet tired at the same time. I'm hungry. And the dreams are fading even as I type. I'm forgetting them.

This would be a candidate of the "nonsensical post of the year" award.

Rugby and sand castles.

I played beach rubgy today for the first time. It was amazing. Amazingly tiring. Haha. And now I walk with a limp. Injured my right knee and bruised my outer right thigh. Someone must have stomped on me.

God. I tackled, or at least tried to tackle this huge guy and I ended up on the sand a few feet back.

That was fun. Then we spent the rest of the time frolicking gayly(read:without girls) in the water, and playing with sand. Yawn. I need some girls in my social circles. Realised last night that I'm suddenly really shy around girls. Don't know how to behave, what to say .. and I'm .. Shaun.

Dukes of Hazzard is easily one of the lamest movies I've ever had the bad fortune to watch, and Jessica Simpson is a useless bimbo.

Emptiness. A chasing after the wind. It disgusts me.

Jialiang, me, fengjie, leonard. With Zuwei's head. Haha. 

Throne in the sand. More like a bathtub maybe =) 

God of Wine.

I'm .. wasted. I'm still in the bottom half of my clubbing attire. The bitter taste of alcohol is in my mouth, and I vaguely remember dancing.

I'm .. gonna change and go to sentosa. Shaun the Great. Heh.

I actually had fun dancing, enjoyed dancing alone more than er ..

Sentosa, sentosa! Shaun the Great's gonna bathe and go to sentosa and hopefully not faint and die there.

God of Wine, playing on repeat in winamp. Love and tunes. Love and tunes.

-

love and tunes.

i sit with music softly playing
tunes that dish melancholy
in gentle, soothing vocals

songs that sing of promise
enduring and faithful love
songs that sing of heartbreaks
wanting and longing love

memories are stirred
of one i loved and love
of a time before
when we were in love
and my world was glad

-

Oh ya, I spent close to a hundred bucks. WHAT THE?!?!?!

Third Eye Blind - God of Wine

An old favourite. Why aren't there bands like this anymore.

Every thought that I repent,
There's another chip you haven't spent,
And you're cashing them all in, Where do we begin.
To get clean again,
Can we get clean again.
I walk home alone with you,
And the mood you're born into,
Sometimes you let me in,
And I take it on the chin. I can't get clean again.
I want to know,
Can we get clean again,

The God of Wine comes crashing through,
The headlights of a car that took you farther
than you thought you'd ever want to go,
We can't get back again,
We can't get back again,
She takes a drink and then she waits,
The alcohol it permeates.
And soon the cells give way,
And cancels out the day,

I can't keep it all together,
I know...I can't keep it all together,
And the siren's song that is your madness,
Holds a truth I can't erase,
All alone on your face,
Every glamorous sunrise,
Throws the planets out of line,
A star sign out of whack A fraudulent zodiac.

And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room,
You let me down,
I said it, Now I'm going down,
And you're not even around.
And I said no...
I can't keep it all together,
I know...I can't keep it all together,

And there's a memory of a window,
Looking through
I see you.
Searching for something,
I could never give you,
And there's someone who understands you,
More than I do.
A sadness I can't erase.
All alone on your face.

-
Why do i feel like I'm crumbling again. But I tell myself, hey, this feeling's familiar. I've been through it before. I've survived through shit like this .. I'll do it again.

Tired.

I'm tired. I'm drained. It's taking a lot out of me, and I'm tired. I'm sleep deprived and I'm, tired.

Booked out at 5pm today due to training for a exercise that's to be held on Monday and Tuesday. It's some sort of security audit to test the security of the air base and readiness of our squardon, and I, being unlucky, or having "found favor" in the eyes of my sergeant, was one of the seven chose to guard Tango-Alpha gate, which lies along Tampines road.

The whole afternoon was spent planning, rehearsing and planning, and rehearsing the possible scenarios and what we would do during the exercise. Vehicle bombs, suicide bombers, the like. It was hot and tiring, but at least it was somewhat more fulfiling than simply doing guard duty.

Troubled dreams. Listening to Sigur Ros while depressed definately isn't a good idea. Brings forth sucidal tendancies man. Or the urge to pound your head against a hard surface.

I'm going clubbing with Justin, Japheth, and his friends later. Coco Latte. None of my camp mates even heard of that place. Hrms. It'll be my first time clubbing, and I don't feel particularly excited. Maybe because Weeli and Jeryd aren't going, or maybe I'm just drained.

Retail.

A little retail therapy today =D

A pair of track shoes from salomon, hot red and funky =)

A pair of audio-technica in-ear earphones bought from sim lim square, on SALE! Unexpected, but welcome.

2 T-shirts from Bugis Street, $8 each. Didn't think that I would find clothes that I like, but well, I did. (duh.) And I saw a green Abercombie and Fitch jacket going for $69.90 that's really, really, tempting. Another tempting jacket is a red $139 one from Addidas. But living in Singapore and all .. it's just not very practical. Maybe when I enter uni I'll get one ..

I'm tired. Extremely. Can barely keep my eyes open and it's barely 1am. Maybe it's the climbing. Maybe it's the exhausting and irritating dinner I had at Marina South with my camp mates to celebrate my officers birthday. I hate eating there. I don't know who went for buffet, me, or the mosquitos. To hell with dengue, the bites are irritating enough.

Eh you know there's actually a dengue rap on 98.7fm. Some kind of health msg, telling people to change the water in their flower vases on every alternate days etc. See, I still remember. I sniggered. But I remembered. Pretty effective right.

Tired, tired. Smallville season 5 ep 1 will have to wait. I collect a couple of them.. then watch them in one sitting =)

Good night peeps, skinny shaun hitting the sack.

Morning.

Good morning world! This is your frenzied blogger checking in again =)

I've been blogging like crazy ya, nothing much to do with my time. No mood to do much of anything but rant and er, whine. I'll start working soon .. um .. there you go, procrastination at it's best.

Going climbing with my camp friends at climbasia later. All new climbers, I wonder how much climbing I will actually get done. Hrms.

All the best, all ye exam warriors =)

Character.

When someone presents an argument, I take up the opposite side. I can argue for hours just for the sake of arguing. Sometimes backing up my statements, sometimes plucking rebuttals and opinions from thin air.

Long ago, Shalene argued against the death penalty. I must confess that up to the point in time when she brought it up, that particular topic never crossed my mind. I never thought about it. But I find myself typing furiously, arguing for the death penalty. Now, many years from that conversation, I have my own opinion.

The death penalty is wrong. Two wrongs don't make one right. The state hiding behind their constitution, or laws, and taking a life is wrong. Every man hung in Singapore makes the government of Singapore murderers. Even drug trafficking is punishable by death. Sure, you can argue that the drugs will bring harm, and ruin to many of their consumers. But does this warrent the murder of the drug trafficker? My stand is, no.

Of course, reading John Grisham's "The Chamber" might have influenced my views. I might have borrowed his views and made them my own. How do I differeniate between the two? I've no fucking idea man. But it's a start.

I remember arguing with Jun about our government, and after bringing her blood temperature to near boiling point, I shrugged and said, "Actually, I don't really care". And after spending the better part of a week dissing our ruling party, I said that I wouldn't actually stand up against them. I couldn't be bothered to.

Hrms. Reflects a lack of character don't you think. A certain unwillingness to take a stand. My opinions are modular, they can be easily plugged in, out, switched around, if you get what I mean. That's going to change. For obvious reasons, I won't be making a political stand right here on my blog though *grin*

It's a start .. I'm picking myself up. I'm filling in the emptiness, maybe I'll discover who I am. Or if I don't find anybody residing within me, then I'll make him up as I go along. God has to help me. He has to. He will la =D

I'm resuming my friendship with Charis, picking up where we left. And it feels good.

I'll treasure my friendships .. I'll treasure my God. I'll cherish them. All of them.

Future.

All the photos taken from the past. Wish I could post one representing the future. Moving on. Moving on .. there's a song right. Moving on. Moving.............911. Haha..yes 911. Lets see ...

911 - moving on

Moving on our way
Moving on our way
I will always remember
Our first days together
It felt like we had known each other forever
We were dreamers
And we were believers
To give up everything
To follow this dream
But one thing that we have learnt
Is to stand, together as one
And nothing will overcome
And nothing's gonna stop us now
Moving on our way
Chorus:
We're moving on in the one direction
We're growing stronger with each passing day
We're moving on we'll always remember
All of our friends all along away
Moving on our way
Now there's been hard times
As the road unwinds
We've grown closer
It's been worth all the sacrifice
Time are changing
And I hear what you say
Can't look at the world
Through innocent eyes
We promise we will never forget the message
Keep the faith as long as your here
By our side
We'll make this music last for all time
Moving on our way
Repeat Chorus
Moving on our way
Repeat Chorus

My head's filled with useless information. I remember their hit.."all i want is you". All i want is you...I'll be there when you do. Er, something like that. I remember listening to it after my first heartbreak. Haha, back in secondary two. Along with The Cardigan's "lovefool". Love me, love me, say that you love me. Hrms..yeah can't really remember now.

And there was "can't fight this feeling anymore" by reo speedwagon, and "sometimes when we touch" by dan hill. Songs I remember from a failed er, conquest.

Next one was insignificant. The other, nonsense. Then there's .. shit whats her name..dido? dodo? didi? "Hunter", fuck i really can't remember. Dido - Hunter. Don't know why I only remember that song, but it hurt man, back then.

The one after .. there were a couple of songs .. but I can't remember.
[edit: i remember now, after a bath =)..ben folds five - the luckiest]

Then the next, man basically every song hurts. ridiculous. The worst being the ones she wrote, and sung. If you're reading this .. please don't ever say that your songs suck. They're still stuck in my head. Surely that means something. As love songs, they're a smash. =)

shit..i think you guys must be feeling pretty lost by now. don't mind me. =)

15 years old, great wall of china, with mum. did..i..get..uglier as i grew older? really looks like it man. 

16 years old .. in korea with handsome dad 

Jeryd, me, weeli, colin, japheth with face slightly blurred. Poor guy. But we all know he's cute ya.  

Jeryd and Weeli enters the picture..and look what happened =) 

And .. he graduates! Looked a little untidy though. Um okay, that's Jackson beside me, classmate-whose-name-i-forgot, Dennis, Japheth, and er..Lip Sam. 4 of out 5 right, pretty good eh :D 

Qingwei in red, and me! At the back of a fishing boat =) Pretty interesting night. Singapore too warm for you? Try being out in the (relatively) open sea in the middle of the night. Brrrrrrrrrr........Cold. 

Daryl, Strummy heart Glenn, me, and Jianming. Also donkey years ago. Jianming now has nice tinted hair, and my hair .. um .. cool and spikey. Damn the power of positive thinking :D 

Shaun, and Japheth. One of them's a slacker, the other's a mugger.  

It has been .. 4 years?! Shaun, Weeli, Jeryd. Back in those days when Jeryd and I occasionally try to kill each other. Haha. 

Run.

Japheth said we were clubbing after Weeli's dinner on saturday. Club Momo. Don't even know where the heck is that, and never gone clubbing before. Was damn excited. Key word here being "was". Past tense. Met the guys for drinks today and guess what, it's off! Whattt thee hellll. I'm 21 and I haven't gone clubbing even once. Seriously man, I just need to go once so I can tell people whether I like it, or I don't.

I'm curious. I want to see how the girls dance, I want to see whether(or rather, how) the guys try to take advantage of them. I want to try the legendary watered down alcohol. I want to try, er, dancing. Curiousity defines me. Haha. At least that's something that never changes.

Went marche for draughts with Weeli and Jappo earlier in the evening. Had a pretty good time with the guys. Gave Weeli his birthday present, which I shopped for with Jeryd, who conveyed whatever Jun wanted me to know. Yup, I know, thanks for still caring.

Here's what we bought for FFTG:

1) Zara fleece sweater : for his stay in australia.
2) Calvin Klein boxers : real men wear boxers :D
3) GNC Myoplex food bar : well .. maybe it'll come in handy during climbing sessions. expensive shit man.
4) Pregnancy for dummies mini-book : haha..just a joke =)

Jappo went to meet Geri later, leaving Weeli and I to scour boat quay/clark quay for a watering hole. Another pint seemed like a good idea. Reached boat quay. Ouch. Ouch. Pain. Shrugged. What's new. Clark quay. Even worse. Memories were recent. I expected it, I was ready, and it still hit me, hard. Blah blah blah. Walked up and down boat quay and clark quay only to end up back at boat quay at some nice quiet river side table with a half pint each.

We talked about our education plans, career, IT, life. No sensitive topics. I was glad to just sit there with him and talk. Like we used to. Lots of non-gay love :D

Japheth's so happily in love. Weeli's relationship's a fairy tale. Mine just ended, and I'm gonna harp on it for a while. Just bear with me ya. Oh, lest I forget, Jeryd! Haha, Jeryd has my admiration.

I'm blogging a lot these days ah. Bon Jovi has a new album. Have a nice day. Bit torrent here I comeee

Change.

I've learnt something new in the past 10 mins. It's different trying to get over someone when you're alternating between two environments.

The past 3 days were spent in camp. The first day I was miserable, then each time I wake up .. I feel slightly better. By the time it's time for me to sleep, my heart's aching and I look forward to the slumber. I fall into bed and turn my mind off things that hurt, and I sleep.

And, today I came home. It started from when I alighted from the bus and walked home. I remember waiting for the bus to go to her place. I remember walking the same route, and the things that were on my mind. I shut out the memories, and I walked, singing softly to myself. Then I came home. I unlocked the door, stood in the doorway and removed my shoes, holding on to the door for support. I winched. More memories.

I smiled at my aunt and came to my room. Shit. I'm going to break. I see the walls, I see my bookshelf .. I look at the mess. Again I remember.

Now I've 2 days, to get used to this, before I return to camp. Hopefully it's a one time thing for each environment. Going back to camp will be painless, and so will returning. I would be numb.

Weeli just told me something, reminded me of something he told me after my break up with Charis. And now he's telling me again. Don't I ever learn.

DoubleFin says:
do you remember what i told you when you broke up with charis?
DoubleFin says:
i told you to build your character of yours right?.... to find something that defines you and only you uniquly

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yeah..
shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yes..i dont have it.

DoubleFin says:
told you to spend some time just with yourself

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
everything's attached to the girl
shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
there isn't anything unique i can hold on to after she's gone

DoubleFin says:
you have to do it ... and take this chance to do it...
DoubleFin says:
let her go... dun let it get such a grip over your life

shaun - bittersweet rainbows says:
yah...

Ouch. This is happening in real time.

DoubleFin says:
frankly i will tell you this ... coz i still care for you as a friend
DoubleFin says:
i dun noe about the others.... how they feel
DoubleFin says:
but to me personally the only time you actually come to me is when you are down and out

He's right. I remember the times I made plans to go climbing with him, only to cancel them last minute. I've been an ass. When I'm down and out, when I'm alone, I've no one but my friends. These are friends I treasure. These are friends I cherish. Weeli has been with me, supporting me, catching me when I fall. He might be brutally honest, but he's my friend. I'm sorry bro.

This is a time of change. I'll get through this, for now ..

Let me enter into slumber,
allow me my rest
from thoughts that torment
my every waking moment

Character. Confidence. True Love(true love..i finally found what's true love). Loyalty.

God help me.

Experiences in life are suppose to shape us, make us who we are. I don't know who I am. My nature changes, my behaviour changes, my thoughts change, like a sapling swaying in the wind. Hopefully I'm just growing up, albeit at a slower rate than my friends. I look at them, and they know what they want. Heck, I don't know what I want. I live for the moment. Minimum effort, maximum results. Heh.

This is worrying. This is far more important than me wallowing in self-pity and regret over a lost love.

What do I stand for. What do I believe in. Who am I. What do I want out of this life.